I think I hear Daddy.
Daddy's coming.
Hey.
-Thanks. -Listen...
next time it's Dad's night to cook, you pick it up.
What took you so Iong?
The fast food empIoyees.
Last week, when I was in MontreaI, the empIoyees there are bilingual.
Over here, they're not even lingual.
-Maybe your order was confusing. -I couIdn't make it any simpIer.
I said to the guy: ''I'd Iike a hamburger, pIease.''
And he stares at me.
''A hamburger. Here, Iet me draw it for you.
''Hamburger.
''No, not for here. To go.
''To go. Here, I'II put IittIe feet on my hamburger.
''See?''
Where's the fries?
I can't draw fries.
Hi, I'm Ray, and I Iive here in Long IsIand with my wife Debra.
She's great with the kids, the house, everything.
I don't know how she does it.
We've got a daughter AIIy...
and twin 2-year-oId boys.
It's not reaIIy about the kids.
My parents Iive across the street.
That's right.
And my brother Iives with them.
Now, not every famiIy wouId go by on a conveyor beIt for you...
but mine wouId because--
Everybody Ioves Raymond.
Yeah.
Hey, morning.
-Morning, Daddy. -Good morning.
Anything for breakfast?
-How about pancakes? -Great.
Need eggs, butter, miIk, syrup, and pancakes.
WhiIe you're out, couId you go to the bank, a hardware store, and the dry cIeaners?
I'II just have cereal.
What do you do aII day whiIe I'm at work?
I entertain men.
Come on, AIIy.
Great news, Ray. You're in.
What am I in, and does it wash off?
Every man has certain moments in Iife...
that define who he is in the great circIe of...Iife.
Tonight, you and I are having such a moment.
I'm not getting naked and Ietting you hoId me up to the moon, Dad.
Not again.
Poker with me and the boys.
No, Dad, pIease. Why don't you ask Robert?
Your brother's a cop.
He's very sensitive about this gambIing thing.
What if he turns us in?
You'd Iike jaiI. They have crafts.
I don't get it. You saying no to me? To your father?
Dad, I'm not saying no. I don't want to go.
Don't want to go?
After the way you hounded me aII those years in high schooI to pIay?
When did I hound you to pIay cards with your friends?
AII right, so we didn't taIk much during the high schooI years.
I know, I kind of lost track of you. I'm sorry.
Anyway, we got four guys, we need a fifth.
What? No, I hate those guys. AII they did was make fun of me.
They won't anymore. Your head's a normaI size now.
Come on. Do it for the oId man.
-PIease. Do I have to? -Attaboy.
10:00 at Nemo's. It's a wiId time, Ray. Better than Vegas.
Food, fun, fast action.
The new guy brings the MaaIox.
-Nemo, what did you make tonight? -Lasagna meatballs.
-You mean Iasagna and meatbaIIs? -No. Lasagna meatbaIIs.
I had to clean out the freezer.
Health inspector?
You want me to taIk to him?
Like you taIked to the judge at your divorce triaI, Garvin?
I did okay on that settIement.
You're Iiving at the frigging Y.
Here he is! Here's my boy!
-Here I am. -Hey, Ray!
This it, Dad? This is everybody?
Frank, this skavooch says he wouId onIy pick change out of a urinal...
if it was more than $1 .
Some of us have principIes.
Some of us have 87 cents.
So, Ray, you feeI Iike a winner?
Not reaIIy.
Sit down, Ray, over here. By my good ear.
-Tinnitus. -What?
Come on, guys. This is how the EboIa virus started.
Ante up, seven card. No peeking.
Isn't this great?
My kid and my paIs bonding over a reaI man's game.
No peeking.
Ray, you stiII doing that sportswriting thing?
Yeah.
TeII them about aII the awards you've won this year.
AII right, come on.
Awards! Wow. Who wouId have made that bet?
-What? -Nothing personaI...
but you had the biggest head I'd ever seen on a kid.
-It was huge. -Freakish.
We used to get caIIs from the circus.
AII right, are we going to pIay cards or make fun of me aII night?
Don't worry, kid, we've got pIenty of time for both.
Ladies and gentIemen, the Phlegmtones.
I'II make a bet that's as big as my head.
-What are you doing, Dad? -I'm stacking your chips.
Stack your own chips. AII three of them.
You're bIuffing, Raymond. I caII.
You caII? You better caII a doctor.
FuII house. Queens over eights.
Sorry, guys. I'm in the zone.
Ray, you're not supposed to win aII the money.
Yeah, weII, perhaps I have an unfair advantage.
AII night I've been abIe to read...
the refIection of your cards off your shiny noggins.
A IittIe respect.
Don't worry. The kid's done winning.
Time for a man's game.
Five card draw. No draw.
That means you pIay the five cards you are dealt.
Yeah, I figured it out, Dad.
Anybody got any antacid or bicarbonate of soda?
-No. -I don't.
In that case, I fold.
I'II open.
Take it easy.
Dad, why? You don't teII your paIs to take it easy.
They're not my son.
WeII, I'm not your son here, either, Dad.... Frank.
We're equaIs. I know what I'm doing.
-I'm out. -I'm out.
What, are you showing off?
This is just Iike when you were a kid you shoved the cocoa puffs up your nose.
I raise you $50.
I was six then.
And they smeIIed good.
I see you $50, and I raise you $50.
I toId you: ''Don't put the cocoa puffs up your nose.''
So what do you do? You shove 25 of them up there.
We got to go to the hospitaI.
I see you...
and I raise you.
Whatever you spent at the hospitaI that night...
here's your chance to make it aII back.
HoIy crap!
Hi, honey.
What's going on? Why are you home so Iate?
'Cause I won a Iot of money.
That's good.
Then I Iost some.
How much?
Go to sIeep.
-WeII, how much? -Not enough to Iose sIeep over.
-Come on, just teII me. -SIeep.
AII right, don't sIeep, but you're going to be cranky tomorrow.
Did you Iose more than $50?
Yeah.
-You didn't Iose $100, did you? -No.
Hundreds.
How many hundreds?
What?
-How many hundreds? -Twenty-three.
To my dad.
You Iost $2,300 to your father?
ReIax, we're going to get the money back.
-How? -When he dies.
I can't beIieve you Iost aII that money.
Look, it's my dad's fauIt.
He kept teIIing me to foId, Iike I was a IittIe kid.
So you showed him by Iosing aII your money to him?
That's right. I'm my own man.
In case you haven't noticed, we have three kids to put through coIIege.
Maybe we'II get Iucky and they won't be coIIege materiaI.
I thought we were saving to buy a bigger house...
so we couId move away from this neighborhood.
Look, you think I wanted to Iose that much money? I know it was wrong...
but you got to know I had a very good reason.
You had a very good reason?
It's Iike when your father teIIs you not to put cocoa puffs up your nose.
Not the cocoa puff story again.
What's the first thing you want to do? Put cocoa puffs up your nose.
So now you're cuckoo.
Don't you see, it's the same thing as 30 years ago.
He kept teIIing me to stop betting, so--
-I get it. -Good. Okay.
I feeI better. Let's forget about this whoIe thing and get some sIeep.
Just forget about $2,300?
Okay, you want to beat it into the ground.
I'm thankfuI that you Iost it to your father.
Why?
Because you can go there and ask for it back.
-I can't do that. -Why?
I'm not a chiId!
No, you're a mature aduIt who Iost $2,300...
because his daddy toId him not to.
AII right, I am a chiId.
But if I go back and ask for the money back, then I'm a baby.
I don't want to be a baby.
Quit pushing.
Frank, do it.
I'm not giving Ray's check back. I won it fair and square.
If you don't give Ray his money, you're not the man I married.
I win again.
-I can't take the money back, Ma. -Yes, you can.
Frank, pIease.
Forget it, I want to teach him a Iesson.
Don't get in over your head.
PIay with fire, you're going to get burned.
And most importantIy...
thank you, come again.
I can't beIieve what I'm hearing.
You wouId actuaIIy deprive your own fIesh and bIood of money?
He needs to feed his famiIy.
We're okay, Ma.
Look how they Iive over here, Frank.
The want.
-What's going on over here? -Nothing. What are you doing here?
I'm a poIiceman. I come home at 3:00 a.m.
No Mom, no Dad, no sandwich. I start to worry.
Robbie, it's the worst. I've never been so upset in my Iife.
Don't teII him. He's a cop.
-TeII me what? -Nothing.
Ray and Frank pIayed poker tonight, and Ray Iost $2,300 to your father.
Why don't you teII him I cry during sex?
You pIayed for reaI money?
You broke the Iaw?
We gambIed. Nobody got hurt.
I see. So it's not against the Iaw unIess somebody gets hurt?
Interesting.
-Robert, want some ice cream? -No, can't stay.
Got to go teII the pushers and the muggers and the Iadies of the evening...
that it's not against the Iaw unIess somebody gets hurt.
Mio famiglia.
-HeIIo, sweetheart. -Hi, Grandma.
-What are you doing? -We're frosting cupcakes.
How nice. Frosting from a can.
So much easier than homemade.
What can I do for you, Marie?
DarIing, wiII you go wash your face for Grandma?
That's a good girI. Thanks.
This is for you.
But I thought Frank--
No, he doesn't know anything about that. This is my money.
You have money?
My father, such a wise man.
On my wedding day, he took me aside, gave me $200 and said:
''Here, this is if you ever come to your senses and Ieave Frank.''
Wow.
My dad onIy gave me $50.
For 45 years now, I've been adding to it IittIe by IittIe.
Who knows how Iong my marriage wiII Iast, right?
Money is freedom.
So how free are you?
$46,000.
What?
Yep. It's our secret now.
Hi.
-Hi, Ma. -Hi, dear.
-How you doing? -Fine.
Okay, Debra, give Mom the money back.
How did you know?
Ma, Iook at you two. When was the Iast time you two were smiIing together?
ExactIy. Now give it back to her.
-Ray, pIease. -No, get out of here.
Go. Don't make me turn the hose on you.
Thanks.
You're weIcome, you stubborn ass.
You were going to keep that money, weren't you?
If it wasn't for you and your stupid pride, trying to outdo your dad...
you'd never have Iost that money in the first place.
Wrong. I happen to stink at poker, and I wouId have Iost the money anyway.
That's how much you know.
-You're not taIking to me? -No.
I just keep winning.
-Hi, Ray. -Look what I found in AIIy's piggy bank.
$2,300.
Isn't she thrifty?
Come on, Ma.
I'II teII you, it wasn't easy trying to wrestIe it out of her hands.
-What did you do? -I gave him $2,300.
We're not keeping his money.
-Where did you get $2,300? -Never mind.
I don't want it, Ma.
AII right, freeze.
-Robbie, shouIdn't you be at work? -I'm at work right now.
I heard the whoIe thing. This couId get ugIy. Ma, I'm going to ask you to Ieave.
-You're teIIing me to Ieave my own-- -Now!
PIease.
Look what you've done to my boys.
AII right, you guys. Sit down.
Right now, the both of you. Let's go.
Right here.
-You guys want a cup of coffee? -Okay.
We'II just see how it goes.
Now Iet's get one thing straight.
The both of you broke the Iaw.
The Iaw that I've sworn to uphoId.
The onIy thing that couId alter that fact is if no money changed hands...
on the night in question at one Nemo's Pizzeria...
and Homemade Specialties.
-This is between me and Dad. -That's right. We're perfectIy fine.
Everything's perfectIy fine?
You don't think I know that you're the tip of the iceberg?
You're going down, Pops.
And when you do, you're going to bring down...
Eddie, and Stan, and that divorced Garvin.
You're not going to do anything.
I'm not going to do anything?
You want to try me? Come on!
Listen, kid...
I understand what you're going through.
It's not your fauIt 'cause you got mixed up with a bad eIement.
What are you doing?
Good cop, bad cop.
It's just taking me a IittIe Ionger 'cause there's onIy one of me.
I know why you're doing this.
-It's because we didn't invite you to pIay. -No.
My second-rate status in this famiIy...
has no bearing on my professionaI responsibiIities.
-There's another game next week. -Too Iate!
Enough aIready. I'm Ieaving. For the Iast time, I'm not taking the money.
I Iost it, that's aII. I'm a big boy.
If I take the money, what kind of message does that send to my kids?
That no matter what happens...
you can just go to your father and he'II make everything okay?
You're right.
What am I right about?
You shouId be abIe to go to your father...
and he shouId be abIe to make it okay.
Here. Be a good father, big head.
Thanks, Dad.
What's the matter with you?
I'm just gIad it aII worked out.
I didn't want to have to cuff you guys.
I'm gIad, too.
And it might have worked out very weII.
That's stiII my money.
WeII, you wanted to pIay cards, we're pIaying cards.
What you got?
Pair of fives.
FuII house. Jacks over eights.
Okay, Diamond Jim, take it off.
I'm coId.